americans for purity

[Gentle Jones]

http://www.americansforpurity.org/ this shit is crazy

[SkinJen]

1. "Personal Vibrators" and other Masturbatory devices such as dildos and blow-up dolls. ALL candles, (http://www.demonbuster.com/candles.html) no matter what their shape, must be banned.
2. ALL indecent art. This includes paintings, sculptures and photographs. We don't need the Victoria's Secret catalog! Simple, modest underwear would sell itself and minimize unGodly temptations.
3. Certain food. If we require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.
4. Kleenex and hand lotion. The Government now forces drug stores to sell harmless cold medicines containing Pseudoephedrine behind the pharmacy counter, and to keep a record of people who buy them. This is because a few people might extract the Pseudoephedrine and use it to manufacture Methamphetamine. Masturbation is more dangerous than Methamphetamine! Many people use Kleenex and hand lotion to Masturbate (don't ask me for the disgusting details)! These items should be sold only to adults with a doctor's prescription.


I don't want pre-sliced food, and what if I get a cold, or my skin gets dry?

[Diana E]

Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!


No more extended trips to the bathroom at work for me.

[Billy Klubb]

my puppets are gonna be disapointed when I tell them the news...

[Billy Klubb]

Myth: Masturbation feels good.
Reality: The illusion of pleasure one experiences while Masturbating is actually caused by the simultaneous deaths of millions of brain cells. Is five seconds worth of imaginary pleasure really worth an Eternity in Hell?


yes, yes it is.

[Bound Fo' Glory]

Myth: There are bigger problems than Masturbation, like drugs and AIDS.
Reality: Experts estimate that there are at least 150,000 Americans masturbating RIGHT NOW! Masturbation costs American businesses at least $3.14 billion in lost productivity every month!


No more extended trips to the bathroom at work for me.
OK come clean....if that's true, I know someone out there is wackin it right now. Who is it?

[weknowhowtolive]

its prolly Jenny

[Acari Rotter]

Holy shit, these people are either Fred Phelps' evil twin or tasteless satirists.

http://www.americansforpurity.org/bringdown.gif

[Bruiser]

http://www.americansforpurity.org/ this shit is crazy

this makes me hate people...

masturbation is sex with someone you love

... what could be wrong with it?

[Royo]

They do have some pretty good points

[Dutch Raven]

this makes me hate people...

masturbation is sex with someone you love

... what could be wrong with it?

Speak for yourself! I hate that fucking jerk-off!

:rolleyes:

[Tokyohoon]

On their hatemail page:

"Of course, we laughed when we first got this because we didn't take the threat of being reported to Amnesty International very seriously. But the next day the heavily fortified Americans For Purity compound in Austin, Texas was invaded by a half-dozen highly-skilled assassins wearing the traditional Amnesty International "Ninja" uniforms. They were bent on exterminating us, but within 15 minutes all six of them were on their knees in our sanctuary, praying with us and accepting Jesus into their hearts! Hallelujah! Now those former killing machines are six of the most powerful weapons in our spiritual war against the forces of Masturbation. Praise God!"

[biglippedbruiser]

hahah masturbation. what the hell is with this shit? Is that a joke? Either way according to that about 98 percent of this board is going down.

[LostinKS]

5. Are there semen stains on your son's bed sheets or underwear? There's only one way they could have gotten there! Line up all of your sons at least twice a day for a family Prayer Meeting and Underwear Check!


6. Does your teenager have Liberal political opinions? The weakness of mind brought on by Self-Abuse often leads to left-wing sympathies.

now then that explains everything doesn't it!! and according to them then, I should be a left wing drum beating hippy...hmm...although however that does explain the near sightedness and hairy palms!!!

[CondemnedBootBoy]

Neo-Puritans?

[CptnSpaulding]

Many people use Kleenex and hand lotion to Masturbate (don't ask me for the disgusting details)! These items should be sold only to adults with a doctor's prescription.

holy fuck, i need a prescription to wipe my nose.

what in the fuck is wrong with the world?....what the fuck is wrong with some people?....what the fuck?

[Mommys_lil_Chola]

That was funny.

http://www.americansforpurity.org/pornweaker.gif

[CptnSpaulding]

hahaha, i just read most of this website.......its funny as shit.. completely brilliant. Wish i did it myself... ahhh haha.

i actually thought it was real at first

[weknowhowtolive]

Best one was:

"After reading your website I decided it was time to stop my sinful ways and i started fucking guys for real instead. Now I'm pregant with twins and my so called boyfriend is seeing some dumb freshman!!! Thaks a lot you assholes if it wasn't for you i could be going to Yale!!!!
You ppl disgust me and i know you're alll going to HELL!
---CaFFiNEAnGeLL

Whew! You almost went to Yale, huh? Wow, that was a close call! I'm glad I could be of assistance!"

[Bound Fo' Glory]

7) Aren't Crime and Poverty bigger problems today than Masturbation? What is Americans For Purity doing about Crime and Poverty?
As far as Crime goes, it's pretty obvious that Masturbation is the leading cause of Rape and other sexual Crimes. After Masturbation is made illegal, the Crime rate will plummet.
As far as Poverty goes, remember the huge problem we had with Homeless people in the Eighties? Millions of people chose to become Homeless just to embarrass Ronald Reagan and you couldn't go anywhere without being "spare-changed." So what did we do? We outlawed everything that homeless people did to survive, like camping in parks and dumpster diving! In Washington, D.C. they put cages over steam vents to keep the Homeless from getting warm, and it worked! No more homeless problem! It was a triumph for the Reagan Revolution!
Anybody who's studied the history of American Conservatives can see what we're leading up to: We plan to outlaw Poverty entirely! We will completely do away with every form of Welfare and Charity and anything else that Poor people do to survive. Since Poor people share apartments and houses to save on rent, for example, we'll outlaw that (it only leads to Fornication anyway). We will institute a true Flat Income Tax, where every single person in the coutry, including infants and children, will pay their own share of the Federal Budget, which now works out to about $7100 per year. Anyone who refuses to carry their weight will be put to work at Hard Labor, thereby increasing corporate profits and stimulating the Stock Market.
This plan will cause all these people who've chosen to be Poor to quit drinking, finish school and lift themselves up by their own bootstraps, perhaps by launching an entrepreneurial Internet startup! Poverty will vanish and the American people will return to the level of prosperity and happiness that we enjoyed in the Golden Fifties!

Bahahahahaha ,That's just poetry right there.

[Diana E]

its prolly Jenny

It prolly is.

[Scotskin]

What did that sight say? I can't read the screen, too nearsighted from...well...ya know.

Repent sinners, and flog thy bishop nooo more!!!

[Martina]

My husband has a very high sex drive and masturbates everyday.
When I go to visit him, if I pass out before we can have sex sometimes he goes into the bathroom in the middle of the night and snaps one off.

I told him that makes me feel like he's cheating on me..

It's true, masturbation is evil.

[Cuchulainn]

I'm glad that this group has come around to save us all from ourselves. Now that the truth has forced its way into my consciousness, my right hand will become as chaste and pure as driven snow. (Somebody out there went to a lot of effort for a joke.)

[CptnSpaulding]

I'm glad that this group has come around to save us all from ourselves. Now that the truth has forced its way into my consciousness, my right hand will become as chaste and pure as driven snow. (Somebody out there went to a lot of effort for a joke.)
yea, i know it is a lot of effort. But i still think it is a good one because their are sooo many people out their just getting really mad because of it. I think its pretty clever.... just enough to believe it, but nothing too crazy.