Joke thread.

[AttitudeSkin]

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Kyle."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Kyle."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

*Brief Pause*

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened, honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Kyle?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

*Long Pause*

*Longer Pause*

*Even Longer Pause*

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

[Blue Blood]

What's the difference between a hoover vacuum and a Harley?
With a vacuum,the dirtbag's on the inside...

[oldcrow]

what do ya do when your dishwwashers broken?
slap that bitch and tell her to get back to work....

[Blue Blood]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing,someone else already told her twice.

[AttitudeSkin]

What's the best part about having a midget swinging around by the necf from a tetherball pole?

Stopping him with a shovel.

[Billy Klubb]

Q:how many ADD kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: somebody say baseball?

[AttitudeSkin]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing,someone else already told her twice.
What do you call a woman with one black eye?

A good listener.

[oldcrow]

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing,someone else already told her twice.
misogynist....sexist.....

[AttitudeSkin]

misogynist....sexist.....
Misogyny's only half of of the story.

I'm actually a misanthropist.

[Tokyohoon]

What do you call an oi-toy with a runny nose?

- Full.

[Billy Klubb]

What do you call an oi-toy with a runny nose?

- Full.
you got her number?

[AttitudeSkin]

You just made Thysa shoot semen out of her nose.

*Ooooh snap!*

[london callum]

Dave returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Dave went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Doreen agreed and again they made love.

Later, Dave was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Dave, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left!
Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Dave, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

[AttitudeSkin]

I'm still a big fan of a line I heard on the Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson: I wouldn't fuck Bea Arthur's dick with Andy Dick's pussy.

[LostinKS]

osama bin laden and saddam hussein are walkin along the hills of afghanistan one day, when they come across a goat with its head stuck in a barb wire fence. osama looks at saddam, strokes his beard and says "buddy check this out, it'll be great!" and proceeds to walk over behind the goat, lift up his mandress and fuck the shit outta this goat. after finishin up, drops his skirts back down and gives saddam a big smile. "now that was funny, didnt that look fun?" he asks.and in response, saddam grins really big....and runs over and shoves his head in the fence. :D

[PUNISHER]

George Bush is a good president.

I know, I know... that was pretty weak. :rolleyes:

[Dirt_Boy]

George Bush is a good president.

I know, I know... that was pretty weak. :rolleyes:
Better than some guy who married into a family in the ketchup business, so he could live life like a kennedy would have been.

[PUNISHER]

Better than some guy who married into a family in the ketchup business, so he could live life like a kennedy would have been.
Haha, you signature made me laugh the most.:D

[Dirt_Boy]

Haha, you signature made me laugh the most.:D
it's true, the guy with the "pretty faces" arent usually scrappers they are to worried about messin up their good looks to fight a lot, now ugly folks, well we got nothing to lose if we get busted up

[OiPride]

What are 2 fingers to a Bulimic?

-Desert

[AttitudeSkin]

What's the difference between a shrewd pygmy and Florence Joyner Kersee?

One's a cunning runt.....

[OiPride]

Here's a blonde joke...

One blonde girl was speeding down the road when a blonde cop stopped her. The cop walks up and asks for a license. After about five minutes the girl asked what a license looked like and the cop said it's usually rectangler and has a picture of yourself in it. So, after another few mintues the girl pulls out a pocket mirrior and looks into it, then hands it to the cop claiming she found her license. Then the cop looked into the mirrior and said, "If I would have known you were a cop I wouldn't of pulled you over."

[PUNISHER]

it's true, the guy with the "pretty faces" arent usually scrappers they are to worried about messin up their good looks to fight a lot, now ugly folks, well we got nothing to lose if we get busted up
Yeah maybe, but scars are pretty. So are busted up noses.

[AttitudeSkin]

It's funny, my nose looks normal straight on, but if i tip my head back, you can see that my nostrils are way crooked. One's all skinny and goes further towards the other side than it's mate.

[bacon_lettuce_tomato]

A man is walking through the woods when he comes across a little girl crying near the edge of the cliff.
"Whats the matter little girl?" the ma asks.
"My whole family just died when our car rolled off the cliff," replied the sobbing girl.
The man unzips his pants and replies, "Wow, this is really not your day."

[jnielsen]

Is it true that Harleys are chick magnets?
Yes, but only if the chick has a steel plate in her head.

What's the cheapest way to get another 50hp from your Harley?
Trade it in on a Suzuki.

What's the difference between a Harley and a Harley owner's home?
The Harley costs more and has fewer wheels.

How do you now you're riding a Harley?
While coming off an exit-ramp you get passed by a Vespa.

Why don't Harley riders wave at sportbike riders?
Because they don't want to drop their tools.

How do you know all the aftermarket parts you bought for your Harley are worth the money?
You finally break into the 15's in the quarter mile.

What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis!


How do Harley engineers tell if a bike is worthy of the Harley name?
They check to make sure the exhaust noise in decibels exceeds the horsepower rating.

Why don't Harley owners smile?
Once you realized you got conned into paying $25,000 for an outdated piece of shit would YOU be smiling?

What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
The location of the dirtbags.

Why do Harleys have fringe?
So you can tell if they're moving.

How is a Harley Davidson like an old dog?
They both like to ride in the back of pickup trucks.

How do you know your Harley is running great?
You can almost keep up with the logging trucks when you're riding down a mountain.
What is the difference between a Harley Davidson and an old dog?
The dog can get in the back of the pickup by itself

[King of all Buffets]

What do you call the useless skin around a pussy?
A woman.


Why did cavemen pull their women around by their hair?
Because if they pulled them around by their feet, they'd fill up with mud.


What's the best thing about getting a blow job?
The whole time she can't talk.


What's the difference between a girl and a toilet?
A toilet doesn't want to cuddle after you drop your load in it.


Why do women have tits?
So men will talk to them.


Why do women have arms?
Do you know how long it would take to LICK a bathroom clean?


Why do women have smaller feet than men?
So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.


Why do women have periods?
Because they deserve them.


Why do women fake their orgasms?
Because they think we care.


How do you make love to an ugly woman?
Jerk off in your hand and throw it at her.


How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.


What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
You don't have to beg her to blow your paycheck.


There are only two things wrong with women:
1) Everything they say.
2) Everything they do.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you.


What do you say to a girl with no tits?
Nothing.


Why don't women need watches?
There’s a clock on the stove.


What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.


How do you make a woman have an orgasm?
Who cares?


All women are the same, but they have different faces
so you can tell them apart.


What are the two reasons that women don't mind their own goddamn business?
1) No mind. 2) No business.


Women are like guns... keep one around long enough
and you’re going to want to shoot it.


What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?
A whine and cheese party.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.


What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
When they take out the brain.


What's the best thing about getting a blow job from an Ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.


What do you do when your woman comes out of the kitchen to whine at you?
Make her chain shorter.


Why did the woman cross the road?
What the hell was that bitch doing out of the kitchen?


Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.


Why does the bride always wear white?
Because the dishwasher should match the stove and refrigerator.


How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

[DETROIT_TA]

What did one tampon say to the other?



Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts.

[pxscooterskin]

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been
married ten times?"

"Well, husband No 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how
great it was going to be."

"Husband No 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back
to me."

"Husband No 3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband No 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the
order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband No 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but
wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method."

"Husband No 6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he
wasn't sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband No 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never
sure how to position it."

"Husband No 8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it."

"Husband No 9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband No 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
was............God, I miss him!".........

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"

"You're with the Government........This time I KNOW I'm gonna get
screwed."

[Billy Klubb]

What do you call a group of Harley Owners with a collective IQ of 120?
Sturgis!

hahahahaha!!!! I just had to watch all those assholes! I glad it's fuckin' over for another year.

[Supersoul]

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a Beirut cafe chatting over a
pint of warm goat's milk.

The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
pictures and they start reminiscing..........

This was my oldest son Mohammed.

Yes, I remember him as a baby, says the other mother.

He's a martyr now.

So brave, says the first mother.

This is my second son, Kalid, he's 21.

I remember his curly hair, says the other.

He is also a martyr.

So great, says the first mother.

This is my third, my baby, Ahmed, he's 18.

I remember when he started school, says the other.

He is a martyr too, says his mother.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks at the
pictures wistfully and says,

They blow up so fast, don't they?

[Sidewinder]

A girl was so pissed off at her boyfriend that she started packing her stuff and walked out the house. All of a sudden he came home before she left and ask "why are you leaving?" Her responce was " Your a nasty and sick pedophile." He looked at her and said "Thats a big word for an eight year old."

[bacon_lettuce_tomato]

A girl was so pissed off at her boyfriend that she started packing her stuff and walked out the house. All of a sudden he came home before she left and ask "why are you leaving?" Her responce was " Your a nasty and sick pedophile." He looked at her and said "Thats a big word for an eight year old."
A man was walking into the woods at night with his 6 year old step daughter. She said to hi, "Daddy, its dark and I'm scared!"

He replied, "You're scared!? I gotta walk out of here alone!"

[AttitudeSkin]

How do you make a little girl cry twice?

Use her teddy bear to wipe her blood off of your cock.

[AttitudeSkin]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"You're wasting your time, " said the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[Billy Klubb]

I came home drunk one night with a sheep under my arm. the wife heard me milling around the front door and opened it.
"What are you doing?", she asked.
I put my head down and said, "Honey, this is that pig I been fucking."
my wife looked at me and said, "You dumb sunova bitch. That ain't a pig, it's a sheep."
I replied, "Who the fuck's talking to you?"

[Acari Rotter]

An Englishman decides he wants to become an Irishman. So he goes to the doctor to ask about the operation. The doctor tells him, "We will remove half of your brain." The man thinks about it a bit and decides it's worth it. After the operation, he wakes up and the doctor is panicking. "I'm terribly sorry, but we accidentally removed all of your brain."

The man smiles. "No worries, mate."

(No offence intended towards the Irish.)

[AttitudeSkin]

An Englishman decides he wants to become an Irishman. So he goes to the doctor to ask about the operation. The doctor tells him, "We will remove half of your brain." The man thinks about it a bit and decides it's worth it. After the operation, he wakes up and the doctor is panicking. "I'm terribly sorry, but we accidentally removed all of your brain."

The man smiles. "No worries, mate."

(No offence intended towards the Irish.)
That reminds me of another joke involving brain removal....

A surgeon is demonstrating different cerebral procedures and decides to show his observers an old trick he'd done for year. He scoops out half of the brain and asks the conscious patient to start counting.

"1, 3, 5, 7, 9....."

Satisfied, the surgeon replaces the half and removes the other half, again asking the patient to count.

"2, 4, 6, 8, 10...."

Satisfied, he replaces the the half.

The students are amazed, and he tells them to settle down, the finale is coming up. With this, he removes the entire brain and tells the patient to start counting.

"Uno, dos, tres, quatro, sinco....."

[CondemnedBootBoy]

One day during recess, three 2nd grade boys meet by the slide. One is Korean, one is White, and the other is Black. They decide to compare the size of their junk.

The Korean boy shows off his first. Then the White boy pulls his out, after looking at the White boys junk the Korean is ashamed, but not by much. Then the Black boy unzips his pants while the Korean and White boy stare in shock of the size...

Later that afternoon, the Black kid gets home and his mother asks him if he learned anything at school that day. He says, "Well, I learned that I have a bigger dick than White and Korean boys. “Is that because I'm Black, Mom?"

His mother replies, "No, Son, it's because you are 17."


(Disclaimer: Don't get bent out of shape it's just a joke)

[AttitudeSkin]

A nice, calm, respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he exclaimed, "Lord, have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[PUNISHER]

I seriously just made this one up.

Q: Why do Muslim extremists love their martyrs so much?

A: Cuz they're the bomb. :biggrin:

[Blue Blood]

Two female friends are having lunch one afternoon when in walks an ex of one of the girls.
"Christ,it's my ex,he just walked in."
The ex walks over and sits down.
"So,I hear you have a new boyfriend."
Yup,says the girl.
"So,how does he like that old,worn-out pussy of yours?"
"Oh,he likes it just fine,once he gets past the worn-out part"

[pxscooterskin]

A female midget goes to the doctors and says," Doctor,every time i go out in the rain i get a terrible pain in my minge.

""Oh i see",says the doctor,before getting down on his hands and knees to take a peek.

After ten minutes he stands up and says,

"I think I've sorted it, as it's raining can you take a stroll, then come back and tell me what you think."

The female midget walks out in the rain,comes back,and is delighted."Thats amazing",she says,"Tell me Doctor how did you cure me?"

"Well",says the Doctor,"I just cut two inches off the tops of your wellingtons."


I'll get my coat.

[SWIFTY]

A female midget goes to the doctors and says," Doctor,every time i go out in the rain i get a terrible pain in my minge.

""Oh i see",says the doctor,before getting down on his hands and knees to take a peek.

After ten minutes he stands up and says,

"I think I've sorted it, as it's raining can you take a stroll, then come back and tell me what you think."

The female midget walks out in the rain,comes back,and is delighted."Thats amazing",she says,"Tell me Doctor how did you cure me?"

"Well",says the Doctor,"I just cut two inches off the tops of your wellingtons."


I'll get my coat.
quality.............

[Mamaskin]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know
that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife
sitting in a chair. . Kill Her !!"
.
The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take
your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and
went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out
with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions,
to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks"
she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

[Acari Rotter]

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"

Once again, no offence intended toward Welsh.

[lionhearted 1]

Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU POKE ME IN THE ASS WITH THAT THING AGIAN IM GONNA KILL YOU!"

The Teacher fainted.

[pxscooterskin]

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Larry replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his penis?"

"Well, for one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

[AttitudeSkin]

I'm going to just throw out a few pussy and dick jokes here:

"Your mother's pussy lips are so droopy, you have to put them on dowelling rods and scroll them up like the hebrew Talmud."

"My dick is so big, I live in Los Angeles and am getting head in NYC right now, while some slut in TX is licking my balls and an offshore oil rig is tickling my asshole."

"My dick is so big, last time I jerked off, I put out the left eye of the man in the moon."

"My dick is so big, it wears shoes. Expensive shoes."

"My dick is so big, it affects the tides."

"My dick is so big, my balls orbit around it like two asteroids."

"Your mother's pussy smells like she washes it with a dirtier, smellier, nastier pussy."

"My dick is so big, it can kick Chuck Norris's ass. Easily."

[AttitudeSkin]

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE AREN'T:
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:
10. Have you looked through her briefs?
9. He is one hard judge
8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
6. Is it a penal offense?
5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
1. Think you can get me off?

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:
10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter!
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first!!!!

[SkinJen]

Q: Why don't Roosters have hands?









A: Because Chickens don't have tits.

[Acari Rotter]

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, “T-square, do your stuff!”. T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff!”. Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff!”. Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good. The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your dog do?”. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff!”. Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.

[Vitnir]

"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," reports Sadie
to her friend Sophie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different
restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and lots of boyfriends."
"My daughter's a whore too."


Do you know how to keep Jews out of the country club?
Let one in, and he'll keep the rest out.


Did you hear that the limbo was invented by the Jews?
Yeah, from sneaking into pay toilets.


When does the Jewish male fetus become a person (according to religious custom)?
When it graduates from Law school.


How can you tell the Jewish mother-in-law at a wedding?
She's the one on her hands and knees picking up the rice.

[Oz.]

Fawad.

[Scotskin]

Nice one Oz...I like it.

[SWIFTY]

Little Johnny was just being potty trained and his mom tried this new method with 6 steps:
1. Unbutton pants
2. Pull pants down
3. Pull foreskin back
4. Pee
5. Push foreskin forward
6. Pull pants up and button up
She walked past the bathroom one day and heard Johnny going 1,2,3,4,5,6 and she was thinking she did good.
Then she walked past the next day and heard him saying real fast 3-5,3-5,3-5...

[SWIFTY]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

[pxscooterskin]

A priest hooks a huge fish. Helping him reel it in, a sailor says

"Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!"


"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, " Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - it's a Fucker fish"

Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church.

"Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop.

"Language, please! this is Gods house," replies the bishop.

"No, no - that's what this fish is called, " says the priest.

"Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner".

So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. " Could you cook this f*cker for dinner tonight?" he asks her.

"My, what language!" She exclaims, clearly shocked.

"No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker, " says the bishop.

Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "wonderful, I'll cook that fucker
tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!"

The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it.

"Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says " You know what?, You cunts are alright."